PaTeMeGu
There's an adage that it takes a village to raise a child. I believe this is true. There are four main relationships that kids need to thrive:
- Parent
- Teacher
- Mentor
- Guide
Certainly, there are several other words that could be used to describe the roles and ways in which other support children in their development into adults that are flourishing.
These four are essential because of the role they play in that child's life. While it should go without saying, in today's world it is essential to say this: relationships between adults and children should be healthy and appropriate. Adults should not take advantage or harm children, ever. Adults should take safeguards to ensure their actions are not taken in inappropriate ways, also.
Parent
First, the role of parent is essential. It is essential that parents take the responsibility of rearing their children into flourishing adults, for nobody can out-teach the culture in the home. "In pointing out all the ways teachers can have moral influence on students, I want to recognize that there are limits on what a teacher can do. Without help from the home, one teacher may not be able to turn around the growing number of difficult or disturbed children with whom a teacher has to deal" (Lickona, 1992).
Parents have the first responsibility in raising their children. Parents will also fill the following roles in many ways throughout their children's lives, but children still need to seek other adults to fill those roles.
Teacher
After parents, teachers are the next natural fit, because schooling is mandatory. It may be that parents serve the role of teacher in many situations, and that is appropriate. It is only natural for schoolteachers to fill this role and develop relationships with students.
"Because it is a school, relationships will happen naturally, except for those who need it most." This quote from this video underscores the need for each student to have each one of those four relationships. As it relates to teachers, though, we do need clear, strategic plans to build relationships with students, both in group settings and one on one.
On Transformative Principal, one of the guests, Eric Makelky performed a survey of his teachers asking how many of them had a student they knew would come to them. This principal in rural Wyoming took actual data from the kids identifying who they would go to. Students reported that they were actually only around 20% where they identified an adult. The adults said they were at 90-95%. Eventually they did get student reported responses in the 90-95% range, through intense focus (Jones & Makelky, 2021).
These students benefited greatly from having healthy relationships with teachers.
"With difficult children, a personal relationship between teacher and child can make all the difference in the teacher’s ability to have a positive influence" (Loc. 1759, Lickona, 1992). It's my belief, that especially with challenging children, you’re going to be spending time with them anyway, might as well front load it and make it more worthwhile use of both your time!
Mentor
The role of mentor is more than a teacher. Lickona describes mentors in this way " Teachers can serve as ethical mentors—providing moral instruction and guidance through explanation, classroom discussion, storytelling, personal encouragement, and corrective feedback when students hurt others or themselves" (loc 1477, 1992).
In a post about modular learning, which is where parents take full ownership of the responsibility of schooling their children in their own unique way, Manisha Snoyer shares how parents seek out tutors but some go further and seek out mentors specifically within their own community. "Some hire tutors, but they don’t have to as they find there are so many experts and mentors in the community who are happy to step in and teach their child" (Snoyer, 2021).
The role of the mentor is different. The role of a mentor is someone who can show you solutions (Ferriss, 2017). The role of a mentor is someone who can guide you to where you need to get quickly (Kiyosaki, 2012).
The mentor is someone who has been where you are and can help you find your path. A child's parents may not actually have that capacity.
Guide
Finally, the guide is someone whose purpose is to help you find where you are going. Their job is to help you on your grand journey. A well known guide that follows the archetype of nearly every movie you've seen, as popularized in Joseph Campbell's 1949 The Hero With a Thousand Faces. The guide is Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings, Yoda from Star Wars, and many other guides who help the hero on his or her journey.
The role of a guide is important, and each child will likely have many different guides throughout their lives.
Flourishing Through Each Role
So, understanding that children need each of these roles in their lives, how do we fulfill these roles? I believe it comes down to two things: time and intention.
First of all, we need to spend time with children. Focused, intentional time. As Berkowitz says In PRIMED for Character Education: Six Design Principles for School Improvement, "All relationships are more likely to develop and flourish when we learn about each other, spend positive time with each other, collaborate with each other, and share power with each other" (Loc. 2456, 2021)
This screams the need for unstructured time to engage in non-academic activities where adults and students are engaged. This is my main argument for why clubs and sports should be part of the school day and open opportunities for more kids and more adults to be involved. When we made this change at our school, every adult in the building except for the head secretary was involved in a group of students working in something meaningful but non-academic. The custodian, staff, administration, counselors. All were involved. "Opportunities need to be built into the schedule and structure of the day/week/semester/year" (Loc. 2159, Berkowitz, 2021).
Second, we need to give them intentional attention. We need to be focused on their needs, their desires, and the things they need help with. Sometimes that means that our plans are put on the back burner, but our agenda of fulfilling these roles and helping them develop is essential.
References
- Berkowitz, M. W. (2021). PRIMED for character education: Six design principles for school improvement. (Kindle ed). Routledge.
- Ferriss, T. (2017). Tribe of mentors: Short life advice from the best in the world. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
- Jethro Jones & Eric Makelky. (n.d.). Transformative Principal | Intense Focus with Eric Makelky Transformative Principal 457 (457) [MP3]. Retrieved February 26, 2024, from https://transformativeprincipal.org/s10/457
- Kiyosaki, R. T. (2012). Rich Dad’s cashflow quadrant: Guide to financial freedom. Plata Publishing.
- Lickona, T. (1992). Educating for character: How our schools can teach respect and responsibility (Kindle ed). Bantam Books.
- Manisha Snoyer. (2021, June 13). Not school or homeschooling, but Modular Learning. https://manisharoses.medium.com/not-school-or-homeschooling-but-modular-learning-5233927f8fc9
